My inner critic, self doubt and past programming

When that all comes up in a wave to be looked at, held and released

Hello:)

I am Ella Renāte and here in this post I decided to look at something very vulnerable and honest.

Reminding you to make your space cozy, safe and inviting as this post might be very heart touching, I will also drink my tea as I am writing.

What will we be looking at today? I will be sharing my current experience that is happening at this very moment. I will be sharing how past programming, the deepest limiting beliefs and thoughts are coming up and how I feel and work with them (how I time and time again look for ways how to do it now). I will be sharing my feelings deep and honest.

Please remember that this is not psychological advice or professional advice, I am sharing this experience from my journey and my life. This is fully my experience.

Now that that’s said, let’s dive in.

What my day looks like when feeling this

In this current moment, hi, I am here sitting on a chair and writing . But overall feeling very overwhelmed these days. The limiting beliefs, limiting thoughts and patterns are coming up like a bulldozer, just spitting out phrases that are like critique or judging, or just limiting and exhausting.

I will give examples as well, but now I want to look into how this feels. When I wake up I start my day with a good morning. I say good morning to myself and give myself a hug before getting out of bed. And already then some patterns of self diminishing thoughts are getting their way into my mind. I feel the cloud of overwhelm beginning, but I still look at the sun outside the window to greet the morning how good I can. Understanding that this moment is a very vulnerable and sensitive time for me, so I can hold it and also still create moments of joy and peace. And believe me… that’s often not easy.

Then, when I get out of bed, I make my way to the mirror, where I have found that there is a layer of more depth and real love that I can uncover, I haven’t been fully seeing myself, so I give myself a non pressure approach, and I choose to see myself even in these moments with as much compassion and love that I can. This is a moment where I have trouble looking in the mirror because of the beliefs, but I am feeding myself with love anyway. I know that this is something I am dealing with and I still can see myself with no pressure in the mirror. That I can hug me and look. I am here, I am here for me. I understand that I need me so much right now with everything that I am moving through and healing, feeling.

When I get to the day, there are many moments of overthinking, being in the mind, being overwhelmed and exhausted. I feel the situations boiling in me, the scenarios, the wishes and the moments go round and round in my mind, and I take a breath, reminding myself I am here through it all for me. I still have the knowing that I am here and that what I need is my presence, my love and comforting, being, not banishing or criticizing myself for feeling this way.

So throughout the day I find moments where I can be alone and speak life into me. Speak safety and presence into myself. I feel what comes up even though oh how uncomfortable it might be. And I feel and also speak love into me.

And is it easy to speak to others while feeling this way? No, not always. With someone with whom I can be me and not hide it is easy and welcoming. Feels comforting. But often when the feelings and situation is not the topic, or I can’t really tell that person what is going on, and I speak about things while feeling this way it is not fully easy. So what I do is I feed myself with the things I wish to hear. I feed myself with the safety, comfort, presence, and love that I wish for. That can look like and often is a journaling practice for me, where I write out what I wish to hear and read it for myself. I am safe with me, I see you. You are heard and I am here to be with you. These feelings don’t throw me off, I am here and I am my safety and my love. I am here with me, what do you wish to tell me ? We don’t need to rush, just have a hug. I am here.

When getting home, what feels so comforting and welcoming is my bed. As if it’s calling me and speaking to me. The bedding feels so soft and sooo good. And a movie pops into my mind. But do I want to numb the feelings? No . So, before any of that, before getting into bed (which often turns out to be not exactly what I want in the end), I first connect with my feelings. I first see what it is that I am feeling, putting in effort to be here and present with myself. It can be time infront of the mirror, it can be journaling, it can be crying. Whatever it is I try my best to be here and now with what is. As well, as previously mentioned, I feed myself the safety that I wish for. it can be through journaling or through speaking to myself, but allowing what is to come forward and using gentle phrases and words to reprogram.

The evening is spent doing something gentle, dancing, doing a task, loving on me unconditionally. As well as rest. Other days it can be meeting with safe people and speaking with them through these things.

But, as previously mentioned, there are feels like endless moments of overthinking, getting anxious and stressed, and that can feel awfully overwhelming.

Seems like a cloud taking over, coming in.

So what I do is I am doing my best to be present with me and feed myself nourishing and safe words and beliefs, as well as feel what is going on. And, believe me, I am using everything I have been telling you about in these blog posts.

This is what it looks like and what currently is going on in my life. I am feeling this often and I know that I am looking forward to my next psychologist visit, as well as keeping on reprogramming myself , rewire. The most compassion is needed and the most love towards self, which sometimes can be difficult. When even looking in the mirror feels wrong, I am here and I will take a breath and look anyway, finding the peace, love and safety that I have.

Thank you for reading!

This post was full with my current things I am moving through and this post is very honest.

I am glad we connected!

Now, I will go to speak to me :) I want to give myself a hug.

But to you, thank you for being here and, if you have felt like this, I am sending the most compassion to you and saying that you can! You can move through this ! We can!

We are here to heal what doesn’t. work no more, we are here to rise and be ourselves, clearing the blocks, the past programs and the limiting beliefs. We can do this !

I see you and I see me. And I celebrate us for having this courage.

Something is missing here… hmm… what could that be?

Oh, right. A hug 🫂 🥰. Thanks .

Byee , till next time.