Authenticity, fear and freedom: learning to show up as my true self. My journey now.

Resistance to showing up, why? Taking one step at a time, allowing integration, taking time and showing up as my more true, authentic version of self.

Hi:)

I just wanted to edit a video of me speaking about a wonderful topic of doing what you love and by that opening up to your more lighter, brighter, authentic energy. But I stopped and didn’t post it, or edit it now. Why??

Here we are going to find out :)

As we all know, we begin by creating our space cozy, by simply listening to ourselves and what we need. And then we can dive in into the topic of this moment.

The video and why I didn’t show it, post it, edit it.

When I was filming the video I felt deep resonance with it, I felt open, free, and like I say in the video, doing what I love. But how come I didn’t do anything with it?

In that video I showed my more open, new found, new becoming self that I am finding and getting familiar with every single day and it is still in the fresh bloom. It is something fresh that I now feel more familiar with in myself , and oftentimes even surprised and unclear, a wow , an insight that makes me question and be surprised myself who I actually am. But when I share it I feel caution. Part of it might be fear, true, fear of showing this vulnerable side of me, of being open and here, fear of showing my more full self, and that is a thing I am looking into. With this fear I work with and I show up even with it, but in a different way and place.

But what is the other part? I showed more of my spiritual side in this video, I showed more of what I am opening up to in myself, how I am opening my intuition and how that looks like. In this video I showed a more raw and open space and self which, when editing, was causing the small, subtle, but important red light pop up and say - maybe I should cut this part out :/

So, when I was cutting parts out, after a short while I realized that I am cutting out so much of what I actually wanted to show. Of the things that I felt so comfortable with, of the parts of me that I wanted to show, now I was cutting them out. So I felt like writing a blog post about it. Are you having a similar situation? Of showing your full self, your more authentic self as you are?

Well, maybe you are, because here I am, writing about it:)

Well, in this time I am opening up to much more of who I am, for example, I am getting familiar with the part of me that likes and feels a resonance with card readings, I am starting my journey in that, I am opening my energy, myself through dance, I am dreaming bigger, I am feeling more connection, I am opening my intuition and it comes to me as a channel, I am connecting with completely new, deeply familiar and still new things in myself that I resonate with and feel true in me. I am feeling myself in a new light at this time, again ;). And, as I am going through this and becoming, there are people who I can share this all with, step by step when I am ready. People with whom in a conversation I dare to show up more as I am, and now, even not just a little bit, but owning it as my identity. So that part is good, I am showing up and I feel free where I do it. But how come not here? How come not in this space yet? This is my space of healing, this is my space of guidance, of becoming, of sharing my journey. Why not here?

Maybe because even in real life not everyone yet feels like a person I can share me with. Maybe because it is so fresh that I am now embodying it and learning to embody it. Maybe because again, but in a different light, this is a sacred, new version of me, more true, more authentic and more ME, which needs a sacred nest to bloom. Which needs a sacred base, safe space to become. Where it can grow and take its roots in more fully.

Maybe that’s why:)

I’ve been in this before. Previously it was just me and my mirror and journal because that part of me, that person I was nurturing felt like in such a need of protection, it felt more true in me, but not yet ready to be in others hands. It needed my protection and safety to bloom and become. I listened to that and here we are, I have created a website, I am sharing, I have become more and embody it more.

Now it’s similar, but in a different way. I am now showing up as me in spaces where I feel it. I am showing up as me, the one that is more true, authentic, free in herself and familiar with self, but I am not yet bringing her into the whole field. She needs time of integration.

Will I post her? Will share her? Will I show up feeling and being this more true, free, bold me that I am finding and becoming? Absolute YES. In a way that will feel true, resonant and real. But I will do it in the way that feel resonant with my heart. That doesn’t mean sitting and not doing anything. Or hiding her away. No. That means taking one step at a time and allowing her to show up and sometimes burst open when she is ready to become. I trust this inner knowing and allow it to guide me. And I am interested to see what is going to open and be created through me with this new transformation and a more full becoming.

This might be a blurry path, with no real, full blueprint ahead, but the blueprint is unfolding within.

Phew.

Deep stories, deep places, deep conversations. That’s what feels good.

Thank you so much for reading;)

AND my question to you is this, maybe a couple of questions.

Where do you feel yourself in, what season, phase you feel yourself in?

AND how can you take one step forward in showing up as a more true, authentic version of you?

Much blessings, much light and a thank you goes your way.

I know we can do this path:)

We got this !

Ella Renāte

See you soon ;)

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I danced at the coast of the river